Why Many Over 50s Avoid Getting Into New Relationships.

There are millions of singles that want to meet that special someone to share their life with. So why aren’t they getting together?  What stops them?

When people are thinking about getting back into the dating scene, especially after the age of 50 there are a number of major things that they think about even though they may not openly discuss them with others.

When you are young the expectation is that you will meet the right partner, build a life together and grow old together. At least that’s the way it used to be. I don’t think there are many that get into a serious long term relationship with the intention of it only lasting for a few years before they move on to someone else, especially in a marriage partnership.

If you reach your 50s and things haven’t worked out the way you had planned in your relationships it’s time to consider what you do want for your future. When you consider how many singles there are, there’s probably only a small percentage of those individuals that honestly want to live their life alone, whether they admit to it or not. Especially for those that have had the experience of a good relationship even if it was short lived.

There are things that happen along the way through your life that make you hesitant to pursue a new partner, even though deep down you may want to be in another relationship. If you have spent the past 20-30 years or so building your life with someone else, to then think about creating a life with another person that you may not have even met yet, or someone that maybe a stranger to you right now is not easy. It’s very intimidating.

WHY people don’t meet.

•    They want to protect themselves from getting hurt.
•    They are concerned about how others will view them if they pursue a new relationship.
•    They worry about what others would think, especially their kids.
•    They feel inadequate and worry that they will be rejected.
•    They feel they are too old for dating–it’s just not for them
•    They worry that they are too set in their ways.
•    That distance may be a problem -if they can’t find someone right in their neighbourhood it will be too much effort
•    Different backgrounds- Kids and grand-kids, education, career etc. Can it really work?
•    Financial issues and differences –own a house/no house, possessions.
•    Health issues-various health issues and disabilities.
•    Age difference-what is appropriate.
•    Cultural difference- meeting someone from another culture
•    Finding Compatibility-Activity level, outdoors/indoors, hobbies and interests.
•    Fear of Intimacy- this is huge for many people especially as they age.
•    Family acceptance-most want someone that will accept their family too!
•    Expectations are too high or unrealistic
•    Afraid to make the first move-He’s waiting for her, she’s waiting for him.
•    They are unlovable- if they’ve lost one love maybe they are convinced that they are unlovable.
•    They have nothing to bring to a relationship
•    If it doesn’t work out they will feel even worse, and they will feel like a loser too.
•    No one will want me- but maybe they will!
•    Don’t deserve another chance-Everyone deserves to be happy.
•    Still hanging on to old baggage-haven’t got past their last relationship yet.
•    Stuck in the past and can’t move on- time to find out why not!
•    Feel guilty to be looking for someone else-often can be an issue for those widowed
•    Trust Issues- if someone has let you down badly it can be an issue for many but won’t get you what you want.
•    Not willing to be vulnerable and honest-if you can’t be vulnerable and open up how will anyone get to know the real you?
•    Making unfair comparisons with their previous partners- being stuck here is not at all helpful.
•    People have ulterior motives for meeting-this can be true but stay smart, check things out and trust your gut.
•    Can’t decide what they are looking for in a relationship-in general you need to want the same things to be in with a chance.
•    Just not willing to make any effort- finding someone and building a relationship does take effort.

So many men and women set themselves up for failure because they have unrealistic expectations toward meeting someone new. They sometimes have difficulty coming to terms with the reality that they have also aged and changed a lot over the years. Looking at yourself and seeing you as others may see you and coming to terms with the fact you are not in your youth anymore takes a bit of getting used to. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be youthful, and look and feel great whatever your age.

The problem for some is that they still want to find a new partner that looks like someone they may have found 20-30 years ago, even though they themselves have aged and changed dramatically too. This isn’t being realistic and could result in staying on your own forever or at least not finding a lasting and healthy relationship. In a perfect world everyone would like to meet someone good looking, fit, healthy, wealthy and with all the best attributes a person could possibly have, but let’s be real!

It is very common to have a man wanting to meet an attractive, slim, young woman when they themselves have a big gut, and a bald head. Not to say that this could not happen, it could and does happen, especially if the man has a lot of other things going for him, like power and influence, or lots of money. The same applies with some older women; they want to meet some young, fit, attractive guy while they may be frumpy, unfit, and not taking pride in their appearance. Again it could and does happen; there are young men looking to meet older women to be their sugar mama. The truth is; you need to be realistic with your expectations. Do you want a real person as a companion to share your life with, care for, to have good conversations, share some interests and maybe travel?  Or, are you kidding yourself and willing to just have arm candy, someone that looks good on your arm but with no depth or real interest in you as a person, but only what you can give them?

Another big issue is the financial aspect. A lot of genuine women worry that they may not be able to keep up with the tastes of the new man and what he wants to do. If the man wants to travel a lot, eat out and live extravagantly because he is well established and she is not; it will be a genuine concern for her. Some women wouldn’t hesitate in taking advantage of this situation if the man is willing, whereas many other women would find it difficult even if they are keen on the man.

When it comes to finances most women come out of a divorce or long term relationship way worse off than the men.  Men need to realize this.  When couples are together often the men are building their career and making a decent income, especially by the time they reach their late forties and fifties, while many of the women have been focused on raising their family. Consequently the women make far less income than the men and do not have the means to do as they would like. While some men are happy to share what they have with a new partner others are very resentful or may become resentful, which will result in problems down the road. It’s something you need to consider before getting too far into a new relationship.

When you look at the list of reasons above and why there are so many excuses people use to not even approach finding a new relationship; is it any wonder that there are millions of people wanting the same thing but never connecting.

The fact is, it would be much better not jumping ahead to all the reason why not, when all you need to do is go meet someone for a cup of coffee, lunch or a walk and a chat. It doesn’t have to be the big leap of jumping into a long term relationship. Take the pressure off and take things a step at a time and see what happens.

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Comments

    • vera batori
    • January 9, 2013

    I am in my fifties and like all of us have experienced really great moments and really traumatic times, however never leaping into another relationship, and being controlled by fear, what other’s think, and so on, would mean that all the experiences that were awful have won, so even though you have severed the ties with the person who made you miserable,they still have won as they stopped you loving and finding love, and I would never give anyone that much power.

    Life is wonderful as long as you take the good and the bad and never give up, you could truly miss something wonderful.

  1. I totally agree with you Vera! Never give up as the next person you meet may be the ideal companion. You can’t let past experience and disappointments stop you from enjoying your life. I personally know of people that connected at the symphony. They were sat next to each other, got talking to each other while waiting for the show to begin, kept in touch, started dating, then got married. Both had been married before.

    • John
    • January 6, 2016

    I am 50. I never got married. I made bad mistakes in my life. I went on dating websites. I have gotten so many likes, but only one date. Nobody really wants to met me. It make me very sad.

    Why?

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